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Reflections

2019, Reflections,

This Is Missing

I just realized a problem. It’s the little things I can’t share with you. The little things that only come as a result of situational-conversation, which is often spurred on in a physical setting. What that means is the problem is that, because you’re far away I can rarely share the unimportant moments. The moments that skip my thoughts about the day. The moments that come in a split second and you’re cooking in the kitchen. Or you’re studying something and you remember a fun fact. That is missing.

2019, Reflections,

Never Again

The sound of your voice was what jolted me out of bed. I had just awoken from a dream where you’d surprised me, so you can imagine my joy as my heart started to palpitate. “Perhaps I heard you in my sleep”, I said to myself as I rationalized it like I always do. But who cares you’d finally come back after all this time. The wait, the uncertainty. I always knew you’d surprise me – part of me was furious you didn’t tell me, the other part didn’t give a damn. Finally!!!!! Ahh…
So I rushed out abandoning whatever bravado I had. Abandoning whatever pride I had. I rushed out.
Finally, the two of you had returned, I assumed since the two of you left at the same time. I rushed out. You weren’t there. Neither of you were. It was your sister. I always said your voices sounded alike. I returned to my sleep with a broken heart.
It happened again.
Let me just sleep, at least I know I won’t be disappointed there.
Never again.

Her Version of Events, Reflections,

The Fine Art Of Missing

How do you explain missing something that was never yours? It is the worst kind of missing. 

I am stretching all the memories I have, trying to make them last a lifetime, running them over and over in my mind to somehow create ownership and justify the missing.

How do I explain that, if I let myself, I did probably love you, but given the current state of affairs, you’ll probably never be mine so I reinforce my guards. I am thinking this means I already love you. 

And I am learning, one sad moment after another, teaching myself what life was before you and what life can and will be after you. 

Her Version of Events, Lifestyle, Reflections,

Finding Balance

I am sure you been wondering where Ore went. I will try to explain. This time, it isn’t a laundry list of excuses.

One of the things I hardly talk about on this blog is the fact that I am an Accountant. Yes, I am one of those people that must write their name as “Abidoye Aramide Oreoluwa ACA”, but I don’t see myself in this light.

As a practicing accountant, I live breath and sleep in spreadsheets; prepare daily reports, weekly reports and monthly reports.

I am sure you want to know how I get through endless hours of staring at spread sheets every day. Well, I listen to “The Moth Podcast(shout out to Mr. Johnson for recommending it). I just let a part of my brain inhabit the stories shared on the podcast and that gets me through doing the spreadsheets. Finance and Accounts is time consuming, requiring a quiet space for work to be done properly. This doesn’t happen when you work out of an open office that has people barging in every other minute to follow up on payments and requisitions, so I hardly get to work on my reports in the office. I take most of my work home and this eats into my personal reading and writing time, hence, the lack of inspirational posts from Ore.

I however managed to read some books this year. These books were my little escape pods from work: “What happens when a man falls from the sky”, “An Abundance of Scorpions”, “Under the Udala Tree”, “Pressure Cooker”, “It Wasn’t Exactly Love”, “Chasing Butterflies”, “Lean In”, “Known and Strange”, “Open City”, “The Sun and its Flowers”, “A Handful of Dust” & “June 12: 1993 Annulment”, ”This Modern Love”, ”The Bead Collector”.

The lack of work-life balance in the last few months inevitably led to me becoming unhappy and snappy. I knew something had to change but was at a loss on how to change it. I am still in the process of making the said changes, so suggestions on how to find a balance are welcome in the comments section below.

Here is what I have done so far pending when I eventually figure out what to do; I spend more time at work three days every week. Everything generally dies down at the office at about 5pm, so I put in two to three hours working on spread sheets and listening to ‘The Moth’. This makes me exhausted when I get home, but it guarantees I have my weekends free.

I have realized that I will soon have to make the decision of either sticking to corporate life, and its accompanying politics which I hate, or becoming a full time creative, because with each passing day I am discovering spaces I can fit into in the creative world. (Suggestions on how to break the news to Mr. Abidoye are welcome)

I don’t regret or disregard my experience in the last few months. I had various conversations with a few of my friends. [Side note: I have great friends. Now, back to the conversation]. They introduced new perspectives at my most exhausted times; that no experience is lost, and it is important to look beyond my exhaustion and see the lessons to be learned and focus on why God has placed me in this place.

Looking out for the lessons has brought a lot of my shortcomings to light. Instead of looking at work and its accompanying irritations as distasteful, I see the opportunity to grow Oreoluwa into a better person. For starters, I have learnt never to stretch myself too thin, to know my limits and stick with them, because within them I have the best outcome.

Quitting has crossed my mind several times, but I realize that when the time is right to leave, I will know and be ready to take the plunge.

Please let me know in the comments what your strategy for work-life balance is and how you cope with stressful situations.

P.S.

The Over Thinker has several things brewing and it makes me excited for the coming months.

 

 

Reflections,

The Reflection Series: Personality and Character

I know it feels like I dropped off the face of the earth, but, I am back, maybe kind of back. Hope you noticed the new website? It is still under construction so let me know your thoughts on it in the comments below.

2018 is going down in the record books for me as the start of my adulting journey. I will share more on this in the coming weeks. Ore is in a very reflective mood; the sound of October always does this to her.

Why are we here?

There has been a lot of conversation about feedback, the most popular saying I have heard about it is, “feedback is a gift”. In the spirit of this, I decided to ask my colleagues and my family members to describe my personality in one word and I got interesting answers that were all along the same line.

My sister Ola thinks I am cold to her sometimes. She is a hugger and I am not; she wants to hug me in the morning when we wake up and, in the evenings, when I get back from work, I just stand, stiff in her embrace, and she always lets go when she is ready.  

All my colleagues agree that I make my stance clear on all issues and stick to it. In their words “Ore doesn’t take rubbish”. I have never seen myself in this light, stubborn maybe, irritated by tardiness yes, but this is new to me and it was interesting finding this out.

One of my friends believes the only emotion I express is frustration; that I have forgotten how to express all other emotions. I will explain this away as the outcome of the pressure cooker that has been my life this year. I have zero desires to take the pressure pot along with me into 2019.

A lot of people think I am cold; I am an introvert and I have zero small talk skills, I go along with a book to all events, so I have company. I know, ‘bad behaviour’, but suggestions are welcome on how I can become warmer.

Another notable feedback is that I can’t stand stupidity; that I expect a certain level of intelligence and initiative from people and my irritation shows when people don’t live up to my expectations.

This may be true. I recently took an insightful personality test (16personalities.com) and apparently, one of my personality traits is that I am an idealist, and this leads to me having unrealistic expectations of people and inevitably leaves me disappointed. I am taking steps to set realistic expectations for, not only people around me but also for myself.

The last one I will be sharing is Dr Abidoye’s (Mama) one word, her word was moody. She went on to explain that I have always been moody and this worries her. That my constant undulating between happy, sad and somewhere in the middle is unsettling, and she is always unsure which Ore she will meet when I walk through the door.

This was by far the hardest feedback to hear and process. I always have a lot going on in my head and I always retreat into myself to untie the knots, so I have been trying to be more open with her about what I am feeling, so she will worry less.

Let me know in the comments if this is an exercise you will consider taking. If you know me in person I’d like to hear your description of me in one word.

I must say, it is unsettling that no one described me as kind or loving but it is what it is.