How do you explain missing something that was never yours? It is the worst kind of missing. 

I am stretching all the memories I have, trying to make them last a lifetime, running them over and over in my mind to somehow create ownership and justify the missing.

How do I explain that, if I let myself, I did probably love you, but given the current state of affairs, you’ll probably never be mine so I reinforce my guards. I am thinking this means I already love you. 

And I am learning, one sad moment after another, teaching myself what life was before you and what life can and will be after you.