Are we still friends? I don’t know. Were we ever?
Will we still meet up and talk? Maybe. That’s all we ever did anyway.
Was I in love? Most definitely not.
I just realized a problem. It’s the little things I can’t share with you. The little things that only come as a result of situational-conversation, which is often spurred on in a physical setting. What that means is the problem is that, because you’re far away I can rarely share the unimportant moments. The moments that skip my thoughts about the day. The moments that come in a split second and you’re cooking in the kitchen. Or you’re studying something and you remember a fun fact. That is missing.
The sound of your voice was what jolted me out of bed. I had just awoken from a dream where you’d surprised me, so you can imagine my joy as my heart started to palpitate. “Perhaps I heard you in my sleep”, I said to myself as I rationalized it like I always do. But who cares you’d finally come back after all this time. The wait, the uncertainty. I always knew you’d surprise me – part of me was furious you didn’t tell me, the other part didn’t give a damn. Finally!!!!! Ahh…
So I rushed out abandoning whatever bravado I had. Abandoning whatever pride I had. I rushed out.
Finally, the two of you had returned, I assumed since the two of you left at the same time. I rushed out. You weren’t there. Neither of you were. It was your sister. I always said your voices sounded alike. I returned to my sleep with a broken heart.
It happened again.
Let me just sleep, at least I know I won’t be disappointed there.
How do you explain missing something that was never yours? It is the worst kind of missing.
I am stretching all the memories I have, trying to make them last a lifetime, running them over and over in my mind to somehow create ownership and justify the missing.
How do I explain that, if I let myself, I did probably love you, but given the current state of affairs, you’ll probably never be mine so I reinforce my guards. I am thinking this means I already love you.
And I am learning, one sad moment after another, teaching myself what life was before you and what life can and will be after you.