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2019, Reflections,

This Is Missing

I just realized a problem. It’s the little things I can’t share with you. The little things that only come as a result of situational-conversation, which is often spurred on in a physical setting. What that means is the problem is that, because you’re far away I can rarely share the unimportant moments. The moments that skip my thoughts about the day. The moments that come in a split second and you’re cooking in the kitchen. Or you’re studying something and you remember a fun fact. That is missing.

2019, Reflections,

Never Again

The sound of your voice was what jolted me out of bed. I had just awoken from a dream where you’d surprised me, so you can imagine my joy as my heart started to palpitate. “Perhaps I heard you in my sleep”, I said to myself as I rationalized it like I always do. But who cares you’d finally come back after all this time. The wait, the uncertainty. I always knew you’d surprise me – part of me was furious you didn’t tell me, the other part didn’t give a damn. Finally!!!!! Ahh…
So I rushed out abandoning whatever bravado I had. Abandoning whatever pride I had. I rushed out.
Finally, the two of you had returned, I assumed since the two of you left at the same time. I rushed out. You weren’t there. Neither of you were. It was your sister. I always said your voices sounded alike. I returned to my sleep with a broken heart.
It happened again.
Let me just sleep, at least I know I won’t be disappointed there.
Never again.

Her Version of Events, Reflections,

The Fine Art Of Missing

How do you explain missing something that was never yours? It is the worst kind of missing. 

I am stretching all the memories I have, trying to make them last a lifetime, running them over and over in my mind to somehow create ownership and justify the missing.

How do I explain that, if I let myself, I did probably love you, but given the current state of affairs, you’ll probably never be mine so I reinforce my guards. I am thinking this means I already love you. 

And I am learning, one sad moment after another, teaching myself what life was before you and what life can and will be after you.