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2020, 27, Her Version of Events,

Needless To Say ….

There are two important things you have to do for me while you read this;

  1. Listen to the song Happy Now by Kygo while reading
  2. Please don’t judge me.

I wasn’t a believer in the term broken heart because scientifically it isn’t possible for a person to live to tell a story of a broken heart therefore I couldn’t wrap my mind around the phrase.

However, twice in the last two weeks I have gone from having this piecing pain in my chest to curling up on my rug and crying fat ugly tears; the type that sucks the energy out of you and you can’t but sleep right after.

I have learned to never do this type of crying on an empty stomach and to always have a face towel drenched in cold water on hand for the headache that inevitably follows it.

Needless to say, I fully understand the concept of a broken heart now. I know to cherish all experiences and learn to build from them but this isn’t an experience I would like to relive. I am sure I have learned all the lessons I need to learn from it and I have carefully documented them in my journal, written them on post-it notes and stuck them around my room so I never forget.

Here is the thing, I am responsible for my ‘’broken heart’’. I will attempt to explain how I came to be curled up on the floor, having the life sucked out of me.

It started with a promise for a free meal which turned to 10 follow up meals within two months. I enjoyed the conversations and really, who says no to free food?

By the third month, I found out that my hands fit perfectly in his and I should have know to snatch my hands out of his and run, instead I stayed put convincing myself everything was under control.

In the fourth month, we talked about the all the reasons sharing meals was a bad idea but we left the restaurant that night with the date for our next meal picked. I should have known to decline the next meeting invitation but by that point, all of me lived for sharing 12-piece chicken wing with him.

By the sixth month we fell into a routine: of sharing meals, sharing ideas and sharing our lives with each other. Looking back on how things progressed, there are two important lessons I learnt from those first six months;

  1. When you know the attraction will end in tears, run! Don’t let the warm feeling in the pit of your stomach get the better of you.
  2. Be brutally honest with yourself about the situation and make the hard decisions.

The sharing, eating meals, meeting family went on for the next few months and by the time I was ready to face reality it was too late for my heart, it had already gone and given itself away.

I found myself dreaming of my future with him in it. We went from ‘’my plans’’ to ‘’our plans’’ and from ‘’you’’ to ‘’we’’. I think what made it hard was we actually work well together, complementing each other’s strengths and weakness, it became difficult to run because it started to feel right.

In the fourteenth month, my uncle staged an intervention. He talked to me about physical compatibility and spiritual compatibility. By this time, there was no point pretending ‘we were just friends’, I listened attentively and when he was done talking, I asked, ‘’So what do I do?’’ He didn’t have a ready answer for me, he told me I was between a rock and a hard place and he understood perfectly the turmoil I was going through.

Two things he said stuck with me.

  1. Everything good isn’t Holy.
  2. You need to blend physical attraction and spirituality, one can crowd the other out and blur your vision but for successful long term relationships, there needs to be a blend.

I went into deep reflections asking myself hard questions about my future and all the things I want my life to be filled with. I plotted a timeline for the current course I was on and I didn’t like the places my mind’s eye took me.

My next decision was clear; unlearn back to ‘me’ from ‘us’. It was in the course of unlearning, of detangling, that my heart broke. Its strings had become too attached and weren’t willing to let go, the yanking off that needed to happen broke it into a million pieces.

So, that is how I broke my own heart and spent Christmas tucked safely in bed grieving what was, what could have been and learning to be just me again. I am not quite there yet but the experts of this type of thing say it takes times, I am therefore giving it time.


Half Truths and Lasting Memories

This post is inspired by  Nanya Kooper’s collection of poems 14. 

Today I read a collection of poems titled “14” by Nanya Kooper. “To those who have found happiness in the arms of another” is what the dedication of the collection read.  
This got me thinking as to whether or not I qualify to read this book and if I truly found happiness in the arms of another.
I didn’t dwell on my question for long, I proceeded to reading the collection and my answer was waiting for me when I finished reading and I wrote it down, so here it is.
Many times when love ends, we often remember only the hurt and the pain that comes with the end, the things that broke us and all the rough edges that bruised our skin.
We forget the sweetness that was at the centre of our lost love, the things that made us catch our breath and the things that made us fall in love.

The first poem in the collection is by E.E Cummings:

Love is thicker than We Forget

Love is thicker than we forget
More thinner than a wave is wet
More seldom than a wave is wet
More frequent than to fail  

It is most man and moonly
And less it shall unbe
Than all the sea which only
Is deeper than the sea
Love is less always than to win
Less never than alive
Less bigly than the least begin
Less little than forgive

It is most sane and sunly
And more it cannot die
Than all the sky which only
Is higher than the sky

This poem reminds me of all the beauty that good relationships offer, the pain, hurt, breath taking moments, those in-between moments of pointless conversations, arguments and the lasting effect it has on the people in the relationship.

These are all the things that come together to really do justice to the telling of every love story not the things we remembered that are clouded by hurt and the pain we have chosen not to let go of.

So the next time I tell any of my love stories not matter how much the end hurt, I will choose to remember it in full and not in part.
To answer my question; Yes I have found happiness in the arms of another, though it was for a short time and the pain sometimes causes me to forget.

Below are other poems I love in the collection;
To be read on days when I forget why we love as a gentle reminder

I WISH TO LOSE MYSELF by Nanya Kooper  
I wish to lose myself whether in an antique store in downtown London
Or an ocean in Greece where the Medusa was born
Become a Pharaoh, rule in Egypt
While I learn the samurai ways to become a warrior
I dream of Paris and standing on the tower, feeling invincibility fly through me
Yet, I’ve come to such an easy conclusion  
That all I dream of or try to accomplish
Will never mean a thing
As well as my adventure which will lose it value
If not shared with you

To be read on days when I forget why we love as a gentle reminder

Small talks and red wine
While the moon sings sweetly at night
And draw a circle around us to block all the noise
It’s imaginary thinking, I know
Yet what’s the essence of this love without imagination?
For I hope to love deep and senseless
Till I age as I get closer to the earth, from where I came
Yet from time to time
Pain to pain
Laughter to Laughter
I’ll never claim to have loved better a design
Lovelier than you.  

To be read to the one that is coming

Noticing You Nanya Kooperby
I have failed to notice how hot the sun is
Why the moon returns at night
Why roses are the flowers of a lover
Why love does not outlive life itself

I have failed to notice all these since I notice you
And when I noticed you I could not help it
They slapped me out it, the marks stayed, memories strengthened

For I’ve never stopped noticing how you look at the sun
How you marvel when the moon returns at night
Why my rose die when you leave and spring to life when you’re here
How you my only lover give out to give in
Sweet splendour, my heart is driven to tears

I never stopped noticing
I will never stop noticing
I thought I will never notice again

Until you came along.