Sorry I haven’t written in a while. I am living by one of my many policies. This is a new one, so I will share with you what it is.
I believe I need to start enjoying every moment of my life and not trying too hard to document it; I document later and let my memories help me relive those moments when I write.
So I went on my first holiday without my family. it is one of the numerous things on my list and just because I really needed a change of environment. I didn’t go with any expectations, just the need to be away from home and explore by myself; so I booked a hotel for a month, packed up my car and left.
My heart hadn’t fluttered in so long that I had gradually started forgetting what it felt like to worry about whether or not the person noticed you enough to match your fluttering heart with theirs. Permit me to steal a line from John Green’s book- The Fault in Our Stars ‘’Falling in love with you is like falling asleep, it starts gradually then all at once’’
That is how I felt. I didn’t notice when it started. It literally hit me one morning like cold coming through an open window and it was over whelming. It took a few days to adjust to my fluttering heart. This is because I had become too accustomed to my single life that the thought of the change felt like the introduction of a virus into my perfectly running system. It wasn’t a welcomed change and I felt missing from my own life.
I love walking and I hadn’t gone on a walk in so long so I decided to walk around the compound of the hotel every morning, earphones in place, and enjoy the view and the cold that morning provides, but there he was on my third morning out, there he was intruding my personal time. What makes walks wonderful is the solitude it provides, but without prancing or taking calculated paces, I walked faster.
I turned back to make sure I had lost him but there he was, fast-walking to catch up.
I realised one thing that made the process easy for me to embrace; I was fighting a lost battle, the sooner I accept this simple fact the easier the process will be.
He caught up with me and I found out a few things. He had been watching me in the mornings from his room window.(Uhh…)the criminal minds part of my brain immediately screamed stalker but my legs wouldn’t run in the opposite direction. I strangely found this faltering, my whole body seemed to be working by itself and not listening to the commands that my brain was sending out.
I started talking about seeing him at breakfast and wondering why he spent the whole time on his laptop, ignoring the rest of the world. My mouth seemed to do this on its own accord.
We walked around the compound two times before deciding to seat at one of the benches and keep talking. I found out we had very few things in common but that didn’t bother me. I was just happy for the conversation. Around noon we walked back to the hotel reception and went our separate ways. This was the 10th day of my holiday.
The morning ritual continued to the 20th day of my holiday. My walks didn’t feel the same without him and I wasn’t feeling missing in my own life anymore, I embraced the process and enjoyed every moment.
On the 21st day, I waited for him and he didn’t show. My walk was miserable and unlike other days, the biting morning cold affected me.
On the 22nd day I dragged myself out of bed and I was still alone, me and the cold.
On the 23rd, the last day of my holiday, I was packed and ready to go. Driving before the sun is up is way better and I couldn’t wait to be away from the hotel and lick my wounds at my next destination. A part of me still hoped that he would be waiting, but he wasn’t.
I asked myself this, “In this age and time, why I didn’t collect a phone number, pin, anything?” I guess it is my fault, my loss.
My eyes blurred and as I blinked, the tears fell without control. I packed and cried.
Then I looked in for the lesson learned. It was good to know that I could still connect with another individual and my heart could still flutter. If nothing, I am grateful for a reminder that I am human with emotions.