Dear Shona (that was his pet name, it means ‘sweet’ in one language like that),

Happy Birthday to you. We would have been having a huge surprise party for you today. It’s not happening, but it almost did. I have been struggling with the date; 7, 14 or 17? I decided to go with 17 because you have been on my mind all day. We should have been married. It felt too real, I met your grandma & sister, our future was getting planned like we had it all figured out. But it’s not happening, it almost did.

I opened a new account because you blocked me completely just to always check up on you and be sure you were alright. It’s not happening, but it almost did. You lied to me over and over again, every word from your mouth was a lie, every action was a lie, every feeling was a lie. It’s not happening, but it almost did.

I could have sworn I would spend the rest of my life loving you. It’s not happening, but it almost did. You owe me big time and you know this, it didn’t matter because it was gonna happen. But it’s not happening, it almost did. My vulnerability to you was always used against me anytime you got the opportunity to. It’s not happening, but it almost did. You didn’t break my heart, you only taught me how to make sure I didn’t end up with another you. Letting go of people is hard because you invest so much in them that to let go can be scary, but it can also be liberating or even essential to your happiness.

Time heals all wounds, a popular saying goes, but they forgot to mention the scar it leaves, the more painful the wound, the bigger the scar. The scars don’t hurt but are just a reminder that you survived that pain, which only made you stronger.

Happy Birthday.